09/29/14, a Monday

This is an update about how we’re spending our first night in our new house.

I’m so tired. I woke up early to write a paper & to move the big stuff with a borrowed truck. Dropped off the truck, got a ride from Mom, & made it to my 4:30 class but could barely hold it together. Felt like people kept looking to me to respond but I kept missing the toss.

Now I’m in bed, we’re low to the ground again & that feels nice. There are ceiling fans & spaces for all the shit we accumulate & hold onto. The power’s on but the water doesn’t start until tomorrow. We bought a gallon of water & filled our bedside cups. I’ll brush my teeth with it outside.

I’m teaching tomorrow, I don’t feel good about it, but I guess I never do. I’m anxious that I’m especially unprepared because I’ve been extra swamped with moving, school, conference preparation, band stuff, etc, this past week. I’m trying to recall memories of middle school, and if I ever knew/cared when my teachers were just squeaking by. I feel like all I talk about when I’m not in my classroom is how to transform/dismantle the systems & structures that I actively perpetuate/reproduce when I’m in the classroom. It’s a complex & shitty space to be.

But maybe all I want right now is some pasta & a free night. Maybe it’s not so hard. On Friday I related my life’s events from May til now to my academic advisor and she looked at me & said “My god, you haven’t had time to breathe.” But I have been, I’m here now, I’m tired & sore & sad but I’m here & I’m trying & I’m grateful & I’m hopeful. I’ve got a small room and a small dog, and a desk & some of the best coffee cups I’ve ever seen. I share these things with a person who picks me up from class & helps me put it all away. I’ve got King of the Hill on DVD & a 6:30 alarm. I’m doing okay.

One day I will have time to read.



Former porn producer/pornographer Donny Pauling

*Pauling has been contracted by Playboy and “other well known [porn] companies” and spent 9 years working in the industry. - (x)

"Donny Pauling recruited 500 1st time porn actresses. He says most were college students." - (x)

It seems like every day I have to do this. This guy is not “the porn industry”.

This guy is one (of, yes and admittedly, quite a few) doughy, predatory, scumbags who works in the sex industry. This is not “the porn industry”.

I feel like I’ve said it a million times. Maybe if a white girl with a radfem name says it people will get it: you are “the porn industry”. It only exists because you want it to exist and some very smart people are capitalizing on that demand. 

You want guys like this to be out of a job? Respect sex workers and share THEIR words and thoughts. You want guys like this to stop operating with impunity? Respect sex workers and stop listening to anti-sex worker trash like gynocratic grrl and her ilk. You want to know the porn you’re watching is ethical and made by people who want to be there and are treated well? Take a few moments before you whip your dick or your hootersnatch out and do some research.

I mean Jesus Christ the video is of this guy sitting next to Gail Dines. These people make their living off painting sex work as the most harmful thing that’s ever existed in the world. These people HATE SEX WORKERS. These people literally do. not. care. if sex workers are safe or can provide for themselves. 

Gail Dines and Donny Pauling are two of more than a few people who make their living from dehumanizing sex workers. Listen to what they say most often: it isn’t anything about sex workers as people. It isn’t anything about porn performers as human beings. It is the crafting of porn as entity or object - they effectively remove any aspect of humanity from it. Why? So you’re horrified by these Terrible And Scary Stories Of Porn With No Proof and then you, you blind sheep, engage in this rhetoric of “anti porn/porn is bad/porn is rape” without realizing that very rhetoric is a guise. It’s a game. It’s a veil over the real issue: hating sex workers. Using anti-sex work rhetoric to hurt the people who need you most. 

As much as I hate to say it, sex workers NEED non sex workers. We need you to realize, say, and share that sex workers need worker’s rights. We need you to share with your friends that sex work is work and we deserve basic human decencies in our places and modes of employment. We need decriminalization and the ending of stigma and shaming. 

Gail Dines is not in the business of ending stigma and shaming. Donny Pauling is not in the business of ending stigma and shaming. They both sit here in this video and reinforce!! stigma and shaming. Here’s a quote: “And she doesn’t think about the future. She doesn’t know she’s never going to get a job anywhere because she’s violated the morality clause of every decent company out there.” 

That’s from Donny Pauling. That’s from a guy who has told you, as exemplified perfectly in the gifs above: He doesn’t care about porn performers. He never has. He’s an abuser. He’s an abuser who is unrepentant and Gail Dines sits next to him as if there is no issue with any of his predatory tactics at all. And ending porn, as is the goal of these types of cretins, isn’t the same thing as caring about porn performers. 

Why do I say that? Because he. just. told. you. “she won’t be able to get a job” - so if porn ends (and it won’t. sex workers will ALWAYS be here just so ya’ll know) like they want it to? Say porn ended tomorrow. There’s no more porn ever. Ever. (stop crying) Then what are performers going to do for work? They’ve “violated morality clauses,” remember? They’ll ~never~ get regular jobs, remember? Do you even care about that?

Or have you just gotten caught up in the “horrors” of “the porn industry” like they want from you?

Again, Yes, porn is often problematic. No, porn is not the problem.

(via psyxchic)

09/27/14, a Saturday

Tornado watches & packing during power outages.

When this patch of intense and busy life stuff has settled down a bit, I’d like to go camping. Not like, real camping. But like easy baby camping, close to the car with some sort of bathroom nearby. Or better yet, not actually going camping at all but staying in a cabin with a bed. And a jacuzzi. Maybe cable? Definitely a VCR. Now that’s living.

Today at work I said “hold your horses” and a bunch of my students started neighing. Weird joke.

I feel embarrassed when my favorite song on the album is the popular one.

Getting keys to the new house tomorrow, and I finally get to use the Garfield checks I ordered.

09/24/14, a Wednesday

Today we celebrated Tristan’s 27th birthday, with breakfast & naps & sandwiches & independent film & malts & friends & television.

Last night we played a sweet show with Radiator Hospital, and special pals rode a bus from LA just to come & hang out! I worked the door & did a good job not freaking out about stuff. There’s been so much hanging out these past couple weeks! I’ve barely had time to process, lots of immediate responses & wing-trusting.

I’m in a really weird place these days. My anxiety levels are at a point I haven’t experienced in a long time. Stomachaches & inarticulate pleas for help, or sleep, or time. But I’m feeling extra excited and optimistic about cementing some future plans, and I’m pulling through, just in this really stressful/painful/unsure way. I haven’t been able to catch my breath.

Tonight I booked my flight, hotel, & economy-grade rental car for the RECE conference. I’m presenting, it’s on the program, it feels like a big deal. I have exactly four different funding requests & grant applications out. I applied for a credit card this week, I wasn’t approved. I’m not surprised, I just like to try every year or so.

Teaching stresses me out. It’s kind of weird that I never write on here about it. I’m sure there’s a reason I don’t. I’m trying to make sense of it.

I feel like I’ve forgotten how to write, how to “express myself” in general.

Hold yr horses, everything's going to be fine.

My name is Erin & I live in Phoenix, Arizona & I have a blog. Hi mom.

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